Thor hits cinemas this Wednesday and given the Norse God’s weapon of choice I thought it was only fitting to take a look, and jog the memory, of other massive-weapon-wielding-mother-f*****s; a title I’ve just made up. There’s 8 of them because that’s all I could be bothered to think of so before you hyped-up-fanboy-conspiratorial-nutjobs, another title, get your brains together it’s got nothing to do with J. J. Abrams upcoming release, Super 8…or does it?
At number one is the man of the hour himself, Norse God of Thunder, bad son, exile and all round misunderstood good guy, Thor and his hammer, Mjollnir. One of the most fearsome weapons in all of Norse mythology, what it lacks for in subtlety it makes up for in brute force. Mjollnir is capable of levelling mountains and according to the trailer flies innumerable times from said hero’s hand. For good reasons too as reputably Mjollnir was incapable of missing a strike and never failed at dispatching a foe. On a less cool but equally practical note if wished Mjollnir could shrink to any size to fit easily inside Thor’s tunic. It’s not often you get raw killing power and bite size carry on capability, suck on that Tony Stark!
An easy choice for number two is Hellboy purely for the fact that the viewer is spoilt for choice. Despite his person being generally massive he’s also often seen with his signature oversized revolver, though not ever putting it to accurate use. The star of his arsenal however is his massive stone fist, used frequently to pummel foul beasties and oncoming traffic. Known as ‘the Right Hand of Doom’ it is the key to releasing the Ogdru Jahad thus bringing about the oft maligned festival of Ragnarok.
In third place rests my personal favourite and definitely the most subtle and beautiful of our massive weapons collection, Kikuchiyo’s samurai sword behemoth in Seven Samurai. A masterclass in nuanced and understated imagery and symbolism the sword represents Kikuchiyo’s own greatness of heart, soul and spirit. His ambition and the size of his dreams are matched perfectly in his weapon of choice.
From black and white to stunning colour in fourth place. Jake Sully’s taming of the Toruk in Avatar is the culmination of a prophetic narrative handed down generation to generation in the Na’vi. It’s also a literally monstrous massive weapon and one that deals out some hefty damage in the final confrontations. Having only been tamed five times and having a great level of respected symbolic meaning to the tribe Jake lets the coolest, most colourful pseudo-dragon ever committed to screen fly away in the closing scene. Fool!
At fifth place is Ellen Ripley’s utilisation of a heavy lifter to dish out some heavy smack-down potential in Aliens. The fight scene between the Alien Queen and Ripley’s cargo loader could have looked like something out of a horrendous B movie had it not been for the great camera work and the stunning, palpably tense, atmosphere. A real work of pragmatic brilliance and quick thinking it stands as one of the most iconic images of the franchise and perhaps of cinema itself.
Sixth place goes to Optimus Prime in Transformers and his Tekken-Samurai-Star Wars mash up double sword combo. Providing perhaps the most exhilarating fights in the movies, and the only exhilarating 5 minutes of Revenge of the Fallen, Prime’s acrobatic flair combined with the burning hot cutting power of the deadly duo make for some kick ass massive weapons. Here’s hoping we saw a lot more close quarters combat in the upcoming Dark Side of the Moon.
No massive movie weapons tribute could be completed without seventh place. Mac and his minigun in Predator. The passionate explosion and subsequent torrent of gunfire in response to Blain’s death is both visually and emotionally engaging. It also sets up the rest of the film nicely. The failure of the all out fire approach is apparent, giving both the audience and the soldiers an awareness that they’re going to have to play by this interloper’s rules if they’re going to get out alive. The deafening gunfire is deftly juxtaposed with the still and peaceful jungle that bears witness to the madness and is a wonderful scene of unrestrained reaction on camera.
Rounding off our list is the most iconic, the most powerful, the most overbearing of movie weapons, the Death Star from Star Wars. Belonging presumably to Emperor Palpatine it is one of the most enduring movie manifestations of power and control. Capable of annihilating planets with a single shot but with a critical Achilles heal it is a massive weapon of throbbing on-screen presence. Achieving anthropomorphic qualities the space station transcends inanimateness becoming a real beacon of oppression and a character in its own right.
Any comments, agreements or disagreements? Comment below!
Thor is released on Wednesday 27th so go go go!
